When I'm Gone
by MostlyxShortxStories
Summary: "Theres another world inside of me that you may never see." Mello always had his secrets, something different about him that Matt couldnt figure out. Mello deals with inside pain and his secret love for Matt. Rated M for mentions of sex/rape/murder/drugs.


**A/N: I've decided to take a break from my nonsense drabble. Review if you like it, stay away if you don't. Simple as pie. Its a one-shot.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. Or the song 'When I'm Gone'. It belongs to 3 Doors Down.**

_There's another world inside of me  
That you may never see  
There's secrets in this life  
That I can't hide_

Mello always had his secrets. There was always something different about him. Something that Matt couldn't figure out. Mello left Matt at Wammy's, but Matt didn't mind so much. He knew they would meet again. He just didn't know when or what they both would be like when that time came.

_Somewhere in this darkness  
There's a light that I can't find  
Maybe it's too far away  
Or maybe I'm just blind  
Or maybe I'm just blind_

And maybe Mello _was _blind. Mello left Wammy's for his own reasons, and because his emotions clouded his judgements too often. He couldn't work with Near 'cause he was arrogant; so he left. He left everything behind, Wammy's _and_ his best friend, Matt. He didn't care. He just needed answers. Soon after leaving Wammy's he joined the Mafia, hoping to find those answers. The Mafia was a sick place; full of drugs and cheap sex; not to mention the murders. All the countless murders Mello committed just to rise through the ranks; it slowly killed him inside. But he would never let that show on the outside. No. To admit weakness in the Mafia is to sign your own death certificate. Mello wasn't about to do that. Four years after hookers, women _and _men alike, murders, overdosing twice, and nearly dying from an exploding building, Mello found Matt. He needed his help, and Matt was quick to go to his side. Matt would do _whatever_ for Mello, _whenever. _It never mattered. Just as long as they were together again. Matt never asked Mello what he had been doing during those four years, and Mello never said.

_So hold me when I'm here  
Right me when I'm wrong  
Hold me when I'm scared  
And love me when I'm gone  
Everything I am  
And everything in me  
Wants to be the one  
You wanted me to be_

Mello was too scared to know what Matt would think of him. Sure, they were best friends and all, but what would Matt think if he found out he'd fucked men, _men, _just to get the top? What would he think if he knew he'd raped and killed people, deserving and undeserving, innocent people, to be number one? And, what if he knew that Mello _loved _him? And it wasn't the best friend kind of love. It was a lover's love. Mello had loved him from the start. Ever since they first met at Wammy's and he saw the little redhead nerd playing his gameboy. He fell in love with him immediately. Mello could never tell Matt how he felt. He didn't even know if Matt was gay. So Mello had to keep his distance, and sometimes treat Matt as if he didn't care. But at the end of the day, Mello found some way to make up to Matt, even if it wasn't through hot, passionate sex like he wanted so badly. He'd try to listen to how Matt's day went, or tried to have a normal conversation with him. Matt knew Mello wasn't interested, but he was glad that he was trying.

_I'll never let you down  
Even if I could  
I'd give up everything  
If only for your good  
So hold me when I'm here  
Right me when I'm wrong  
You can hold me when I'm scared  
You won't always be there  
So love me when I'm gone  
Love me when I'm gone_

It killed Mello everyday to know that he couldn't be with Matt. He didn't want to let Matt down though. He'd give up everything, even his own life, just for him. Thats why, when they planned to kidnap Takada, Mello made his plans so Matt would be the one to get out alive, and only Mello would die. He didn't want Matt to die; he didn't deserve it. Mello planned Matt's part secretly, but Matt found out anyways. He wasn't a genius for nothing. He knew, but he wouldn't let Mello know. Matt would be suffering if he didn't die with Mello and had to live without him, because secretly, he loved Mello. He just didn't know what Mello would think of him though, so he never told him.

_When your education X-Ray  
Cannot see under my skin  
I won't tell you a damn thing  
That I could not tell my friends  
Roaming through this darkness  
I'm alive but I'm alone  
Part of me is fighting this  
But part of me is gone_

The night before the kidnapping, Mello was scared. He almost chickened out because he was too scared to die. He wouldn't tell Matt though. If he wouldn't tell the men in the Mafia that all the disturbing shit he went through made him weak, he wouldn't tell Matt that he was afraid of death. Mello wanted to be strong; if not for himself, then at least for Matt. He was so alive, but he'd die alone. Hell, he was already half dead anyways. Half his soul had died out a long time ago while doing those horrible things during his time in the Mafia. He died a little on the inside. And he'd die for reals this time, without ever letting Matt know his true feelings not only for him, but for what they were about to go through.

_Or maybe I'm just blind..._

And maybe Mello _was _blind.

_Love me when I'm gone..._

Mello was killed by Takada. Matt escaped, just as Mello had planned, and Matt was emotionally dead. His days were hell without his best friend. Everyday he came home from his crappy, horrible, disturbing job in the Mafia, to an empty apartment. No Mello, no signs of him ever returning. All that was left were the scents of Mello's cologne and chocolate bars. Everyday, Matt picked up Mello's photo that he left at Wammy's, went to Mello's room, layed on Mello's bed and drank in the sight of his picture from his younger days. He cried himself to sleep every night thinking about him and how he never got the chance to reveal his true feelings. He loved Mello, even more now that he was gone.

**A/N: Yeah, no happy endings. I was gonna make it so they ended up together, but decided against it. I just felt that it would be better this way.**


End file.
